Monday, April 25, 2005

Playing with my dog in the snow while my husband lights a fire and pours me a glass of wine (which I'll feel even more because of my diet pills and valium and the fact that I haven't eaten all day and then I'll sneak a joint in the shower


 


Insomnia makes me a tad loopy


So moonie is now writing in a blog… not too sure how it will go. Livejournal was a bit intense and since I cant find the friends-only device on this damn thing I’ll have to stick with it.


So after 3 horus of lying in bed listening to Betchaupda’s Spill the Light on repeat I’ve come to a few conclusions


mobile phones are a waste of space unless in emergency.


I am fearing failure. In fact I’m terrified of it.


 


FAILURE <<an ugly ugly word


 


Scared of getting less than A = not bothering to studying at all… why bother etc.


I do not try hard st-studying BECAUSE I set high standards (everythign must be A. everything) and ofcourse when I get stressed out I don’t tend to study I tend to do er… nothing.


Because after a while you realise you’re so far behind the class that there’s NO POINT studying. So I do badly. Because I didn’t try hard enough because I was paranoid I’d get a B. in actual fact I could’ve managed an A but because I was scared of getting a B I didn’t try.


Solution: setting realistic goals, iming to get certain amount of work done per day. Sticking  to schedule. And hoping for the best obviously


 


 


Rejection from friends, being ‘dumped, left out, etc =Not calling friends, cutting off communication, not making effort to see them


Thankyou paranoia. Seriously. The worst feeling is when you think someone doesn’t like you anymore, or is being particularly cold or distant so you assume you’ve done something wrong when in actual fact, you frigid cold aloof ice queen, they’ve felt exactly the same thing coming from you. It’s like a vicious circle…


So yeah here’s the problem especially coming to this whole ‘I’m going into town’ shit.


What


The


Fuck


And what’s real polite is going to someone’s 18th and then people leaving to go to town. Thanks … ‘course that’s quite suitable depending on the company.


I can’t wait til I turn 18, and go into town, prolly get pissed depending on the atmosphere… but please hit me or slip it quietly when I go overboard and forget that not everything revolves around the exchange/the gutter.


I figured the Friday after I turn 18 I’ll have something for everyone who’s not 18 or doesn’t fancy drinking to excess or whatever. And Saturday night I go to town and do that stuff. But I am also having an outing with –lumberjack- which means no drinking because I respect his views a lot more than I respect my own and he’ll only have 2 months in Australia by then L so making it worth it. Anyone who wants to meet lumberjack should tagalong. But no drinking please that’s just disrespectful.


I find a lot of what I hear about exciting but its just annoying that I cant somehow be a part of it all or be a contributor to people having fun or something. Lately all I can do is sit back and moan and watch and moan. Because it makes you incredibly jealous after 7+ months of not going out, not getting drunk with friends (getting drunk on two vodka cruisers on the weekend with my parents friends did not count. They were not technically my friends. I would not picture myself discussing interesting stuff like how hot the builder next door was.)*


Oh wait and another thing, saying, “Oh wait you cant come you’re not 18 haha” is neither elegant nor dignified.


But apart from that, every week I’m going to start anew and make sure I keep in contact with people… well try to, writing letters and this means people I haven’t spoken to for a while so if you chance across this and hey presto you get a letter don’t be surprised. I’m going to write a letter to Lauren. I haven’t communicated with Lauren since stephs and defying other reasons therefore there are no reasons not for me to not write to her. << Couldn’t write that properly.


But whatever. It’s worth keeping in contact with people even if they fall into the category of acquaintances. And what’s more you learn a lot more from other people than you learn from yourself.


 


So that’s basically the two main most important fears of failure. Next day, or later I’ll take a look at boys (gurgghhrr) and food (nnnerreeghh) and fascinate myself with the amount of psychiatric issues relating both with and between those two.


 


 


*He was so hot!! you don’t understand… I had a pair of binoculars on him for 2 hours… he was like 50 but from 400 metres away and with those legs…. Phwoar.


 


 

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