Thursday, April 28, 2005

The thing is, as I was saying to someone, it comes back. And every time it happens you get that sense its in you, its your doing, it must be something you have about you that makes them do it.

That it’s in you.

And every time, no matter how small or big the effect, the action, the ‘whatever’ that’s indescribably bad and you don’t exactly know what it was but you don’t feel ok about it, that same guilt that same shame that once again you’ve done the dirty work that you’re the dirt that you’re everything that caused and took place in that situation that you are the issue and the cause and there’s no solution for you because you deserved it for whatever you did.

Honestly, there is shame in saying its happened. It’s not a delicate subject. Its not something you can sit down and talk about just like that.

I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know why it happened a few times. I don’t have many answers. I don’t know if it will happen again. I am scared it will happen again. It’s a possibility that’s there everyday all the time. I haven’t gone to the course for three days because of it. I can’t go tomorrow because I cant. I’m fucking pathetic.

And its not something to be treaded lightly either which makes it completely frustrating.

So I’m gonna stop writing and sleep before I look to deeply.  


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