Monday, May 30, 2005

All your dreams are made
When you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade
Today's the day that all the world will see

Another sunny afternoon
Walking to the sound of my favorite tune
Tomorrow never knows what it doesn't know too soon

Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to wake up wake up
Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to rest your mind
You know you should so I guess you might as well

What's the story morning glory?
Well
You need a little time to wake up wake up
Well
What's the story morning glory?
Well
Need a little time to wake up wake up


All your dreams are made
When you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade
Today's the day that all the world will see

Another sunny afternoon
Walking to the sound of my favorite tune
Tomorrow never knows what it doesn't know too soon

Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to wake up wake up
Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to rest your mind
You know you should so I guess you might as well

What's the story morning glory?
Well
Need a little time to wake up wake up
Well
What's the story morning glory?
Well
You need a little time to wake up wake up
Well
What's the story morning glory?
Well
Need a little time to wake up wake up
Well
What's the story morning glory?
I said well
Need a little time to wake up wake up

Friday, May 27, 2005

my precious.
Life is not at all like what they promised in the brochures.

And life is all about distracting ourselves from our own little insanities.

Another thought: Has life ever actually handed anyone lemons?

Life is not inspiration.

If you are waiting for the proper mood to arrive before you do The Thing That Will Make Your Life Better, you're fucked. Life put you on this planet, but that's pretty much all it's done. After that, Life becomes single-mindedly devoted to distracting you from everything that matters.

Life will tire you, especially if you have to work for a living. It will stress you, making you want to eat fattening chocolate. It will distract you with new lovers and children. It may even flood your body with depressing chemicals, making you feel blue and unwanted.

If you believe that you should only do the right things when Life has aligned itself properly for you to do them, you'll be working in very short windows of time. Capital-L Life knows your long-term prognosis is death, so all it gives a rat's ass about is next week. If you're alive at the end of the week, that's good enough.

Except it's not good enough for you. You can burn through seventy or eighty weeks, only to find that you're pretty much in the same place, except older. And then you wonder why you're getting nowhere.

And since Life is engineered to exhaust you, the trick is to fucking do the things you need to, even if you don't feel like it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

Monday, May 23, 2005










.....no offence!
cheers andrew

yeah so guys im moving out on thursday
wont have the net for a while.....
LOVE YOU!
call me
*blows kiss*

Sunday, May 22, 2005

i miss my walk...



DIRTY VEGAS

"Days Go By"

You
You

You are still a whisper on my
lips
A feeling at my
fingertips
That's pulling at my
skin

You leave me when I'm at my
worst
Feeling as if I've been
cursed
Bitter cold within

Days go by and still I think of
you
Days when I couldn't live my life without
you
Days go by and still I think of
you
Days when I couldn't live my life without
you
Without you
Without you

You are still a
whisper on my lips
A
feeling at my fingertips
That's
pulling at my skin

You
leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold
within

Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Without you
Without you

Days go by and still I think
of you
Days when I couldn't live my life
without you
Days go by and still I think
of you
Days when I couldn't live my life
without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you

Friday, May 20, 2005

i got offered the job
:)

Monday, May 16, 2005

I got a little change in my pocket going jingle lingle ling
want to call you on the telephone baby I give you a ring
but each time we talk I get the same old thing
always no huggy no kissy until I get a wedding ring
my honey my baby don't put my love upon no shelf
she said don't give no lines and keep your hands to yourself
Cruel baby baby baby why you want to treat me this way
you know I'm still your lover boy I still feel the same way
that's when she told me a story 'bout free milk and a cow
and she said no huggy no kissy until I get a wedding vow
my honey my baby don't put my love upon no shelf
she said don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself
you see I wanted her real bad and I was about to give in
that's when she started talkin' true love started talkin' about sin
I said honey I'll live with you for the rest of my life
she said no huggy no kissy until you make me your wife
my honey my baby don't put my love on no shelf
she don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself

Sunday, May 15, 2005

ok so after a lot of debate i will indeed be going out tonight. this includes hanging otu with someone who at the moment hates me and will make my life hell but whatever. her issue not mine.
I HAVE NOTHIN TO WEAR.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

omg flick remember how i told you that i saw a guy on the bus who reminded me of someone????
it was a stackerboy i worked with at foodland! his name was james, he had a cool tattoo and .... wow. i cant believe i remembered that. just goes to prove i know my stackerboys. ;)

i do not have a life.












Friday, May 13, 2005

God I feel so pseudo bona fide (and that term is gold). I keep on saying to myself “GET YOUR FREAKIN ACT TOGETHER GIRL and nothing responds. Its like I’m in a vegetative state where my head’s saying move you arm, scratch your nose and your body just…does nothing.

In not a suicidal goodbye everyone way, perhaps she is better off without me. I always felt like I was
Dragging her
Down.

But Christ I can’t just move, I’m just sitting here. I’ve had a pretty good week, with today the only problem (shitty shitty lifters…) but last night I got up because I decided it wasn’t healthy to go to bed at 4pm, and tried to goddamn move… NOTHING. No response.
I tried music and nothing appeals, everything’s so annoying… not in a whiny kinda way but I put my headphones on and I just felt like I didn’t want music which is strange for me… kinda creepy.

I know I’m supposed to be nice to residents but today was crap; I walked into a lifter (we use lifters to lift residents so we don’t handle them roughly. Machinery is actually the better option – they’re hanging from a sling heehee they look funny), I tripped on my pants and fell over in front of the DON (director of nursing…. The boss actually), then when I was feeding D* (she’s pretty much a vegetable…but she has comprehension and she has aggression. boy does she have aggression. Don’t doubt comatose-people, when they want to they can hit.). And I fucking was
not in the mood to be caring.
You know when you just don’t care about people? And I know that’s awful and I’ll go to hell for it (although so many old people say “god BLESS you” so I have benefits in that department) but seriously when they refuse to eat the food that you have 15 minutes to spoon feed them, you clean the crap off their asses, you do EVERYTHING except fart for them, you should get some favours in return (how nasty and unchristian do I sound?).
D* as I said, has comprehension. She knows what “OPEN YOUR MOUTH SO I CAN NOURISH YOU AND KEEP YOU HEALTHY YOU SOD” (though I didn’t actually say sod. Ok maybe under my breath) means. She can, at times, smile and laugh at things you say. She’s about 65. Which is pretty harsh considering the average age there, is 86. So she got dealt unfairly in life… a lot of them got that. And a lot of them realise that it’s their life and that’s how it turned out and mostly none complain about it. But firstly, I was, as I said, not in the mood. I was having an accident-prone day. I wasn’t in the mood to be lovey-dovey bullshit crap that I’m usually up for depending on the resident.
I had to give her a protein drink; she took one sip and swallowed. Then she turned her head and went to sleep. So I woke her (yeah we can do that) and tried some more because its IN HER CARE PLAN that she has to have AT LEAST 4 PROTEIN DRINKS so her muscles don’t ROT AWAY AND THERFORE she won’t be in PAIN. So I get flustered and get up too quickly to tackle her from the other side, walk into her wheelchair thingy and my knees crying for the love of god, and I’m trying to hold it together and my nose starts bleeding. So I sit down, and say if it hasn’t stopped in 10 minutes I’m throwing the towel in a going home. 10 minutes passes, and I feel dizzy. I’m debating whether to leave or not when I realise I can do this (in a moment of low blood pressure frenzied madness) and hold a tissue to my nose and force her mouth open and MAKE HER DRINK THE FUCKIN THING. She drinks it (we are actually allowed to do that if there’s resistance… so it wasn’t that illegal) halfway and then stops again and turns her head. I am really fucking tired of it (I HAD TO MAKE HER DRINK IT there was no walking away I would’ve got shit had I not made her drink it). So I have blood everywhere, which is bad cos I hate blood, and I whisper with this chilling kind of weird voice “D*, while you refuse this fucking drink that I am not being fucking paid to feed you, but because I apparently fucking care about you, I am bleeding to fucking death. FOR YOU. And she drinks it.
So the moral is of this story, although I passed out a few minutes later, be nice to old stupid people cos with bribery and blackmail and nasty words you can get them to do the right thing.

I’m taken up smoking, a light habit anyway because I don’t know why but it feels right. I’ve been eating shit all week so I’m detoxing this weekend. If iced coffee and muffins mean detoxing, I’m doing well.

M* actually smacked my bottom cos I got too close to her. It was uncanny cos this was at lunch, after the fainting, and I was feeding…. Wait for it…. D* who was ignoring me (ok so I’m being brattish…) anyway I was sick of taking their crap so I turned around to M* and said FIRM, YES?? And she went into one of her “you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch my god my god my god” spasms.
It’s true though you get so much junk food from aged care. Every single resident has a little bloody fridge full of stuff. It’s beautiful.

Thursday, May 12, 2005




>


American Cities That Best Fit You:



65% Honolulu

65% Los Angeles

65% San Francisco

60% San Diego

55% Atlanta



Which American Cities Best Fit You?

since when did neighbours get so bogan.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

So we have a lady there who during the day is perfect... no problems, very cooperative.
At 6pm every night, we put her in bed.
She wails
She screams
And apparently its because as a child she was abused.
I don’t know what to do... I can’t handle it. She’s crying and i'm just standing there and I freeze up and start stuttering and the other carers are so... ok with it.
Fair enough they've dealt with it... but unless its happened to them its a tad different for me, yes?
The thing was, tonight has possibly been the best shift I’ve ever done. Until I went in there to check on her. And I think my head just turned to shyte cos I couldn’t think anymore. When we were doing handover (filling out documents about residents) and I couldn’t remember anything about anything. I couldn’t stop thinking "shit...that’s what i’m going to be like when I get 80" and its scary.

On a brighter note mrs s* gave me chocolate! And we have a policy that states we can't accept stuff from them, but the two carers who were looking after me said it was ok, as long as I said I’d shared it, which they said was unnecessary since they didn’t eat chocolate
I’m going to put them somewhere special just because mrs s* is from the west wing (my favoured wing where w*) and I miss it, and I cant wait to get back there away from....
Anyway I cried when I got off the shift since it’s been shitty but I feel ok now,
DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO A VOLUNTEERING COURSE TO BE A VOLUNTEER?
That’s so whack. I was so hyped to go and save a whale and I fucking have to study for it?

Monday, May 09, 2005

just becaue im feeling daring, how many of you would acutally go for it in a broom cupboard with a 19/20 yr old plumber?
did i mention he's nice to the residents? he smiles at them and winks
did i mention hes quite nice looking?
did i mention that SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOUR SEX DRIVE WHEN YOU WORK IN AGED CARE?
and it has nothing to do with washing old men ok? *sketchy look*

i miss* my old residents...**
*bursts
**Sob

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Come up to meet you, 
Tell you I'm sorry, 
You don't know how lovely you are. 
 
I had to find you, 
Tell you I need you, 
Tell you I set you apart
 
Tell me your secrets, 
And ask me your questions, 
Oh, let's go back to the__start. 
 
Runnin' in circles, 
Comin' up tails, 
Its only science apart. 
 
Nobody said it was easy… 
It's such a shame for us to part. 
Nobody said it was easy, 
No one ever said it would be this hard. 
…Oh, take me back to the start. 
 
I was just guessing, 
At numbers and figures, 
Pulling the puzzles apart. 
 
Questions of science, 
Science and progress, 
Do not speak as loud as my heart. 
 
Tell me you love me, 
Come back and haunt me, 
Oh, when I rush to the start. 
 
Runnin' in circles, 
Chasin' tails, 
Comin' back as we are. 
 
Nobody said it was easy, 
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part. 
Nobody said it was easy, 
No one ever said it would be so hard. 
I'm goin' back to the start.

how cute is this?


leto's so hot



Firstly you tell me not to call your home phone, then I hear that I’m not contacting you and you have to make all the effort… how am I supposed to communicate with you in any way if you’ve told me not to?
This is frustrating because I do care about you and worry about you, you’re me bliddy mate.
The only time I can see you is if I go to a gym class, which I gave a shot but came away feeling more crap than ever because I am not co-ordinated. Also the fact I don’t have time, and I’m tired. I can still talk though and I miss you a lot, though I get the feeling you’re no longer interested in maintaining a friendship. Which is disappointing considering everything that we’ve dealt with together, or not dealt with (but no ones perfect, no ones the perfect influence…and I did try and offer support where I sensed it was needed).
This is what I was most scared of when people started going to university, that there’d be even greater lines between groups. It’s true I don’t see many of you often, but that doesn’t mean I like you or value you any less. But I also have my own life, and just because (and lets be honest) many people are still stuck in the Walford frame of mind, that you’re only successful if you go to uni, so its hard to feel like I’m valued as a person, let alone as a friend. It feels like what I’m doing can’t possibly be as distinguished as what you’re doing, which means competition and that’s when I grow horns and become the bitch from hell. Which I don’t want to be, and you don’t deserve.
When have I said that university isn’t hard? It’s very hard from the sounds of it, and if I’ll goes to plan I’m goin’ there next year. So why the animosity?
All I would like is some sign that I’m not being a crap person by doing something for myself, which at the moment is working with elderly or disabled people. I find that work rewarding, as I hope you find university rewarding. And no washing peoples arses is not enjoyable, but knowing you’ve helped is. It just feels like people are looking down on me for doing it. Which I detest.
The main points are
· I miss you
· I still care about you and I’m worried
· I wish I could talk to you and figure out if I still stand in the same place
· Hopefully work out something that means we have regular communication

But you’re probably not reading this, even though I gave you my blog address ( I believe we were meant to keep in contact over it… since I couldn’t call/message you)

Don’t you hate it when you make huge efforts, and the forces of nature override them?


Like when you make an effort with people, and you just happen to forget things that you promised them when you've made an effort particularly this week to be a good mate, or when you are late to work despite getting up half an hour earlier because your father HAD to have a shower. And so you’re late because of someone else but yet you’re the one who gets a lecture about being a good team worker, and how it might affect your assessment?


I’m not having a bitch or anything but I just feel like crying or something to get the frustration out. And this sounds weak anyway.


What’s’ upsetting is when you do make an effort to be optimistic and positive for other people and they treat you like shit, tease and mock you and be bitches. There are two types of people in the world. You know the whole “turn your cheek so they can slap the other” (the meaning is that they’re meant to be too ashamed to slap it again but anyway) and they SLAP THE OTHER CHEEK? So there are two types of people, those who will turn the cheek and those who will slap it. I’d prefer to be in the first part but how many goddamn people prefer the latter?


Works going really well … I’m actually surprising myself doing things I never thought I’d be able to handle. While I strongly doubt I’ll desensitise anytime soon to the smell of crap, I’m doing quite well according to Mike who’s the DON, (director of nursing). And I wish I could take you in to see the residents, they’re so funny and so sweet. There’s this whole confidentiality thing I had to sign which means I cant tell you names but Christ on a cracker there are some funny ones. There’s one old woman who looks like ET with a few strands of long grey hair poking out, and she has dementia (99% of them do…) and she sits on her room ‘reading books ‘ (I.e. turning a page every 30 minutes) and when you say hi she goes mental! She starts screaming “OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD”


And a typical conversation goes something like “hi **** how are we today?”


“OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD good OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD OHMYLORD


And she has a wind up duck that makes quack noises, so if you wind it up and give it to her she speeds up. Its like she’s in competition with it or something. Cute nonetheless!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

i remember once getting terrified that i could
only see out of my eyes. two little fucking holes.
i got really terrified by it. i'm kind of trapped
inside with these two little things to see out of.

Monday, May 02, 2005

live everyday as if it were your last.



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Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Sunday, May 01, 2005

my mum made me download all these songs by some swedish/italian opera rock group eldivo. simon cowell put em together which surprsied me.
theyre kinda hot but yeah
my mums actually quite cute.