Friday, May 13, 2005

God I feel so pseudo bona fide (and that term is gold). I keep on saying to myself “GET YOUR FREAKIN ACT TOGETHER GIRL and nothing responds. Its like I’m in a vegetative state where my head’s saying move you arm, scratch your nose and your body just…does nothing.

In not a suicidal goodbye everyone way, perhaps she is better off without me. I always felt like I was
Dragging her

But Christ I can’t just move, I’m just sitting here. I’ve had a pretty good week, with today the only problem (shitty shitty lifters…) but last night I got up because I decided it wasn’t healthy to go to bed at 4pm, and tried to goddamn move… NOTHING. No response.
I tried music and nothing appeals, everything’s so annoying… not in a whiny kinda way but I put my headphones on and I just felt like I didn’t want music which is strange for me… kinda creepy.

I know I’m supposed to be nice to residents but today was crap; I walked into a lifter (we use lifters to lift residents so we don’t handle them roughly. Machinery is actually the better option – they’re hanging from a sling heehee they look funny), I tripped on my pants and fell over in front of the DON (director of nursing…. The boss actually), then when I was feeding D* (she’s pretty much a vegetable…but she has comprehension and she has aggression. boy does she have aggression. Don’t doubt comatose-people, when they want to they can hit.). And I fucking was
not in the mood to be caring.
You know when you just don’t care about people? And I know that’s awful and I’ll go to hell for it (although so many old people say “god BLESS you” so I have benefits in that department) but seriously when they refuse to eat the food that you have 15 minutes to spoon feed them, you clean the crap off their asses, you do EVERYTHING except fart for them, you should get some favours in return (how nasty and unchristian do I sound?).
D* as I said, has comprehension. She knows what “OPEN YOUR MOUTH SO I CAN NOURISH YOU AND KEEP YOU HEALTHY YOU SOD” (though I didn’t actually say sod. Ok maybe under my breath) means. She can, at times, smile and laugh at things you say. She’s about 65. Which is pretty harsh considering the average age there, is 86. So she got dealt unfairly in life… a lot of them got that. And a lot of them realise that it’s their life and that’s how it turned out and mostly none complain about it. But firstly, I was, as I said, not in the mood. I was having an accident-prone day. I wasn’t in the mood to be lovey-dovey bullshit crap that I’m usually up for depending on the resident.
I had to give her a protein drink; she took one sip and swallowed. Then she turned her head and went to sleep. So I woke her (yeah we can do that) and tried some more because its IN HER CARE PLAN that she has to have AT LEAST 4 PROTEIN DRINKS so her muscles don’t ROT AWAY AND THERFORE she won’t be in PAIN. So I get flustered and get up too quickly to tackle her from the other side, walk into her wheelchair thingy and my knees crying for the love of god, and I’m trying to hold it together and my nose starts bleeding. So I sit down, and say if it hasn’t stopped in 10 minutes I’m throwing the towel in a going home. 10 minutes passes, and I feel dizzy. I’m debating whether to leave or not when I realise I can do this (in a moment of low blood pressure frenzied madness) and hold a tissue to my nose and force her mouth open and MAKE HER DRINK THE FUCKIN THING. She drinks it (we are actually allowed to do that if there’s resistance… so it wasn’t that illegal) halfway and then stops again and turns her head. I am really fucking tired of it (I HAD TO MAKE HER DRINK IT there was no walking away I would’ve got shit had I not made her drink it). So I have blood everywhere, which is bad cos I hate blood, and I whisper with this chilling kind of weird voice “D*, while you refuse this fucking drink that I am not being fucking paid to feed you, but because I apparently fucking care about you, I am bleeding to fucking death. FOR YOU. And she drinks it.
So the moral is of this story, although I passed out a few minutes later, be nice to old stupid people cos with bribery and blackmail and nasty words you can get them to do the right thing.

I’m taken up smoking, a light habit anyway because I don’t know why but it feels right. I’ve been eating shit all week so I’m detoxing this weekend. If iced coffee and muffins mean detoxing, I’m doing well.

M* actually smacked my bottom cos I got too close to her. It was uncanny cos this was at lunch, after the fainting, and I was feeding…. Wait for it…. D* who was ignoring me (ok so I’m being brattish…) anyway I was sick of taking their crap so I turned around to M* and said FIRM, YES?? And she went into one of her “you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch you bitch my god my god my god” spasms.
It’s true though you get so much junk food from aged care. Every single resident has a little bloody fridge full of stuff. It’s beautiful.


At 9:17 pm, Blogger heartless said...

lotte are you watching 7? its damn amusing.

At 9:17 pm, Blogger heartless said...

mm and that was me by the way
luv flicky


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